


Monodialogue

by Darkslover



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Genji getting his shit together, He doesn't even share a scene with Angela jfc, Introspection, M/M, WidowTracer playes a big role here, and it's not fluffy, but it's still very gency, the rest of the characters are mentioned only, the tagged ones have dialogue, this is too long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 05:24:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8358949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkslover/pseuds/Darkslover
Summary: (Genji had to admit: if he weren’t so distressed over this revelation, he’d find the image of his brother speaking like his old high school self pretty hilarious)
Or: Genji and Angela had a nasty fight, Genji's trying to fix it, Lena unknowingly lends a hand, Jack knowingly lends a punch and Hanzo is the most helpful one of all, but he never appears in this one. Angst, but with a hopeful ending.





	

_“Fuck you and your friendship.”_

It was Angela’s calm tone saying this that cut the deepest. Yes, the words themselves were shocking to anyone who knew her; she was a professional doctor, capable of handling stressful situations that would make anyone else break down and a gentle, kind person in general. Words like these were unheard of for her. Turns out, when you let your insecurities cripple your ability to be honest with your feelings for her, these words could come out from her mouth. After months of playing around, of letting words slip out and then taking them back, of tagging and pushing, Angela had had enough. She was not a plaything to be yo-yoed by anyone.

Even if that anyone was the one she wanted to be with. 

Genji didn’t know that last one when he received those harsh words from her. 

He still didn’t know that last one when Lena had texted him for a drink in the cafeteria. 

Since he couldn’t drink, he figured that Lena just wanted to talk about her relationship with Amelie. Some weeks prior, Lena had come to him and confessed that things were not going well between them. Actually no, scratch that. The two women had broken up, but still talking and Lena was not sure about anything between them. Amelie’s recovery and past actions sounded like it was only part of the problem; from what Lena had shared and Genji had concluded, these two still loved each other a lot, but they had fallen onto a solid wall of issues related to their character and all the tiny things that erode a relationship.

“It’s this  _nothing_ ,” Lena had told him and he hadn’t understood until she had elaborated.

“I ask her ‘How do you feel? Why are you glum? Did something bother you? Is everything alright?’ and she always says ‘It’s nothing!’ How am I supposed to know how she feels if she doesn’t tell me? And it’s always that ‘nothing’ and it drives me crazy! So, fine! If she doesn’t want to talk, then we won’t talk!” 

Genji had advised her to go and force Amelie to talk, to not give up on what they had, because it obviously meant a lot for the two women. “You two went through hell when Amelie was recovering. I don’t think that something like this is enough to make you break up,” he had told her and he believed it. Lena was by Amelie’s side while the latter was trying to shake off Talon’s brainwashing and they had endured violent outbursts, lots of tears and guilt, trials and a whole world painting Amelie as a murderer and a traitor before her files from Talon changed the narrative. And they had come out if still being together. In Genji’s mind, there was no way they’d break up over ‘nothing’. 

And yet, they were on the edge of doing exactly that. 

Now, almost a month later, he found Lena in the same spot as that time, nourishing her hot chocolate. It was almost Christmas and cheery decorations were everywhere in the cafeteria. A life-size Santa Clause cutout greeted him with ‘Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!’ as he entered and he could hear cheery music coming from the speakers. The place was busy with various Overwatch agents, both old and new talking, laughing and in Ana and Reinhardt’s case, looking into each other’s eyes. 

The whole atmosphere was warm and Genji felt his spirits rise a little. For the past two months, when he wasn’t in missions, he locked himself into his room, sulking, wondering what had happened between Angela and him and had made her say that to him. Oh, she had apologised to him later, all guilty and regretful. He had accepted her apology without a second thought. But, it was obvious that nothing had been resolved. Something had broken between them and he had no idea how to fix it. In his small room, he was reliving their moments together and was wondering whose fault it was and where it was his. Yes, he had told everyone they were just friends, but it was the truth, wasn’t it? They  _were_  just friends. And Angela would know that she was precious to him, anyway. He had begged her to come back to Overwatch, he had hugged her in front of everyone when she had done it, he always had had her back in missions, he had never left her side so as to protect her, he had taken her to his master Zenyatta to help her with her guilt over Reyes’ condition and he had stayed with her throughout the whole process, giving her advice he knew would help...

What else could he do? Especially since he had no idea if Angela felt the same way.

So, when Lena’s invitation came, he thought it’d be a good way to clear his mind a little bit. A distraction would be useful for him to see better his own situation. Also, stopping the sulking was always a good thing. 

“Genji, luv! Hea, hea!”

Lena’s tone was cheerful and undeniably British as he approached the table she was sitting on. She wore her usual huge grin and waved at him with energy. Genji felt relieved for her; it looked like things had gotten better for her and Amelie. 

“Konbawa, Miss Oxton. Nice to see you again,” he said as he sat down.

“Same, luv! Ready for Christmas?” 

“Ah, not really. I’ve been busy with missions and other... stuff,” he hesitated.

“By stuff you mean locking yourself in your room?”

“Hey, I’m trying to work through it...”  he hated that he sounded so defeated.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“...no, not yet... it’s a long story. And I don’t want to share it until I know the ending. Then... you’ll know,” God, he felt so pathetic!

It must have shown on his face, because Lena immediately replied, “No, I understand, luv! I did the same with Amelie,” she dropped her eyes to her cup of hot chocolate and Genji’s mind went ‘oh, no’. 

“Miss Oxton, don’t tell me... you and miss Lacroix...”

“I don’t know!” She suddenly looked at him, sounding all cheerful again.

Genji was completely lost. “...what? You don’t know? But, you look so happy...”

“And I am! Amelie and I... we’re going to a counselor!” 

“...wow,” was all Genji could say.

“What?” 

“Nothing, it’s like... a counselor for you two... when you went through all this... it sounds a little...”

“Anti-climactic?”

“Yeah, you can say that...”

“Well, I told you a bit about my relationship problems. But, if I were completely honest, it was less problems and more a category six clusterfuck,” Lena said with a tired, but relaxed smirked. 

“Okay, just for reference, how high does the scale go?”

“Five.”

“Oh...”

“Yeah...” Lena took a big sip from her chocolate and Genji took the chance to order warm lemonade for himself; its sourness was one of the few things that could make his artificial taste buds tingle enough to feel it. He had no need to drink, but he was capable of it; he just needed to take it out later, which was a pain, so he wasn’t doing it often.

Lena was silent, but looked relaxed while the waiter brought the drink. When he left, she took another gulp that emptied her cup and continued.

“D’you want to know how bad it got? Open relationship bad!” 

“Well... some people can make it work...” Genji commented lightly, as he removed his faceplate, Lena being one of the few he trusted to see his face.

“Yeah, maybe! But, Genji, we had problems making even a  _regular_  relationship work!”

“Fair enough... so, wait! When you told me that ‘nothing’ thing... was that it?”

“I know that it sounds stupid, but really... it’s the small things. A lot of small things happened. That’s the thing with a relationship, ya know? You’re both bracing for the big problems and boy, did we have big problems with us being... well, us!”

“And you got through them! I mean... you two survived a whole lot of brainwashing and reconditioning and the whole damn world against you!”

“Yeah, I know! So, when the small things started happen, we let them sneak under our radar and they stockpiled! It’s like this, you know? You leave enough small issues unresolved and... I don’t know. The mood changes. It’s not the same relationship anymore. You are... weakened. And then, the big things come and they crush you.” 

Lena looked as if she were far away from the cafeteria, living in another moment and Genji knew she was. He understood what she was talking about: Amelie’s mind was healed, but no healing was without relapsing. The last incident was four months ago, when for the thousandth time, she had answered their door holding a rifle she shouldn’t have in the first place. She had stolen it from the armory.

She had almost shot Mei.

Everyone had expected Lena and Amelie to work through it again, but turned out, the ‘small things’ had tired both of them.  

Genji could see her point... maybe. 

“Both Amelie and I made mistakes. Mistakes I’d rather not talk about...”

“Okay,” Genji answered. He knew that when the time would come, one would talk anyway; rushing them would only end in failure. 

“Thanks. And it turns out, that open relationship schlock was another one in a long line of baaaad ideas. We tried fixing them, only to make them even worse. After a while, it all felt hopeless and futile, a few arguments too many and a big fight and... We needed space. She said that she needed to make herself stronger, better without my help, to stand on her two feet alone first. And you know, I get it!” Lena quickly added, seeing Genji opening his mouth to talk. He closed it again and waited for her to continue. 

“I get it, I really do! Finding herself, proving that she was okay alone, that’s important. She’d see that she was fine and wouldn’t need me to babysit her through anything. But... it didn’t  _feel_ like this, you know? It felt like... an end. I don’t know, I guess all those small things had piled up enough to make her wanting to be herself again mean ‘I don’t want to be with  _you_ ’ to my eyes. Bad thoughts, yeah...” 

Lena raised her cup again, only to realise that she had already drunk all her chocolate. She took a deep breath and continued. “I sat on my ass, waiting the inevitable. I felt defeated. Turns out, she didn’t! She wasn’t expecting some miracle to save us! She took the first step! She called me, asked me to meet her. I thought, ‘So, at least she’d tell me the thing in person.’ Honest, if nothing else. I expected to see her cold and tell me that she’s better off without me, that I hold her recovery back with my coddling. I was ready for every bad thing. But then she smiled and my heart skipped a bit... and well, she told me...

_‘You and I... there’s something wrong with us. Not just because I am who I am, but with us. I know this. But when I try to imagine myself without you even after I never have another episode... it feels ten times... wronger. I’m not going to let us disappear like that... not after everything. We need help, Lena. Counseling, a psychiatrist, anything! We can do this... do it together, that is. If you feel the same.’_

Genji was speechless for a while. Being in the periphery of their relationship, Amelie Lacroix always came across a little aloof to him. Polite and even scared to be around the people she once aimed to fight against, but not warm. To hear her talk like this, even from someone else’s mouth was a surprise. 

“And then, I thought something that I hadn’t thought for a long time: ‘I’d do anything for you!’”

“Did you... tell her that?” 

“Uh...” Lena stammered and rubbed the back of her neck. “It more like... ‘Oh... okay!”

“Smooth...” he teased. 

“Hey! We’re not all playboys!”

“Ex-playboy, thank you,” he grinned. 

She giggled. “So I don’t know where we’re going, but it’s better than knowing you’ve finished with each other for good, as I had thought before! And hey... I remembered that the woman I love loves me back, so... this is worth smiling for!”

Genji smiled as well. “Yes. It’s worth a thousand smiles.”

 

* * *

 

 

As Genji was returning to his room, he found himself stuck in the conversation. He was happy for Lena, but there was a thought that was bugging him. The halls were full of people and cheery Christmas music was playing all over the base, but for Genji, it could be yet another mundane day. Lena had said something... and he couldn’t pinpoint what. All he knew was that it was important. 

He entered his room and looked around. His dragon was not in the room. One quick draw of his sword proved that the beast was not in it either. He sighed and sheathed it again. 

After he and Angela had returned from Zenyatta’s lessons to relieve Angela guilt over Gabriel, the dragon would hang out around Angela a lot. Genji’s feelings had grown both during their journey there and back and especially while they were with his master. To see her opening up, sharing pain and guilt and her inner thoughts had created a bond between them, or that’s how his master put it. He realised that Angela had a side in her that she wouldn’t let anyone see; she blamed herself a lot for many things and it spoke of her caring nature and her strong sense of responsibility. As she was relieving her burdens, she started glowing in his eyes; happier, lighter, all her coquettish mannerisms started coming back, she smiled more... Under the sakura tree, surrounded by the falling petals, she looked like she belonged there, flowers in her hair and sunlight all around her. 

He knew that he had fallen hard for her after that. 

How had they ended up like this? Angela crying bitter tears in front of him, telling him to fuck off and him actually going away... Hanzo would have told him that he was indeed a coward without any honour and Genji would find it difficult to deflect that. He already regretted not staying, not pushing further. Maybe he could have made her say what bothered her and they could have resolved this. Maybe he wouldn’t have slipped back to his bad days, his self-loathing coming back and kicking him in the ass, as it transformed into bitterness and jealousy over Angela and Morrison’s relationship. 

Hindsight is a 20/20 as they say, especially when the other man comes to your door to kick your sorry ass. He felt such embarrassment at the memory; the two men had actually battled. No, scratch that. Genji had literally attacked and Morrison had simply deflected, until Genji had cooled off enough to listen to their old leader. Then Morrison battled seriously and it all ended up with Genji literally in a garbage bin.

Turns out that Morrison had visited Angela multiple times during the night and stayed in her room for hours on end... to converse about Reyes’ case. How his powers were supposed to work, if he said anything the last time Angela had seen him. Their main topic was always Reyes during their endless talks during many nights. 

That was when Morrison also confessed to Angela... his feelings for his old friend-now-turned-enemy. 

Just like Angela, Morrison had a lot of guilt over Reyes and it didn’t come only out of friendship. Their position made it improper and Morrison kept it to himself, but his feelings went beyond friendship. Morrison had torn his mask off his face and screamed at Genji’s own mask.

“DID I FUCKING STUTTER?! I SAID, YOU’D SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING IF YOU HADN’T HAD YOUR HEAD SO MUCH UP YOUR ASS, SHIMADA! ME AND ANGELA? ARE YOU CRAZY? OR DID YOU THINK YOU’D BE THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE DEALING WITH SHIT ABOUT HATING YOURSELF?” 

His mask had saved Genji the embarrassment of being seen opening and closing his mouth like a fish, speechless at the confession and the reveal that he had nothing to be jealous of Angela and Morrison’s late-night meetings. Shame had flooded him to the brim and he felt his face burning.

It had to be one of his lowest moments, on par with him deciding to throw away his body for the sake of revenge despite Angela practically begging him not to, leaving Overwatch behind despite her doing the exact same thing and attempting to attack Zenyatta when his master first appeared in front of him, telling him that he could help him.

He had thought that he was getting better, wiser. As it turned out, he still had a lot to learn.

But Morrison had not been done with him, oh no.

“You don’t have even the balls to confess to the woman you’re in love with and you have the nerve to feel jealous? And to take it out on her and me? You spew shit about honour Shimada, but you act like a brat with none of it! Get your shit together! You don’t deserve her right now!”

He turned to leave and Genji felt right at home in the garbage bin.

But he had changed. The playboy from Hanamura would have stayed there and wallowed in his shame and misery, but he wasn’t the same person anymore. God, he hoped he wasn’t. So, he quickly stood up and called the other man. “Morrison!”

Morrison had just stopped and turned his head to him, mask still in his hand. He wasn’t going to give him the time of his day and Genji knew he didn’t deserve it anyway. But he had to do this. He braced himself and kneeled all the way on the ground. “I’m sorry,” Genji said. “I acted without thinking and I insulted you and Dr. Ziegler that night outside her room. You came to me offering an explanation and I raised my blade at you. There’s not an apology big enough for what I did—“

“Damn right, there isn’t,” Morrison growled and Genji winced, but kept quiet. He knew he deserved it.

“I am truly sorry. I promise I will fix things and will be more patient in the future,” he continued and in his mind’s eye, he could see Zenyatta looking at him with disappointment.

What a fuck-up, he was.

Morrison scoffed at him and turned to leave, obviously not giving his forgiveness. And Genji knew that he had fucked up extra bad. So, he had to go the extra mile in his apology. He quickly stoop up tall and removed his own mask. Morrison had done the honour of speaking to him face-to-face. It was only appropriate, as a man, for Genji to do the same. That had halted the older man in his tracks. It had been the first time Morrison had seen Genji’s face, the only other time being when he was still in hospital, accepting the offer of cyberization.

“I am someone who jumped to conclusions because of my own insecurities. I will not try to find any excuses for myself; there are none. I let myself be led astray by my own feelings of jealousy and inadequacy, while I should have trusted both her and you. I am truly, truly sorry,” he said facing Morrison, looking at him in the eye.

The old Overwatch leader was silent for a while and then, slowly turned his body towards him. His glare had been intense, but Genji had not been afraid and held it; he had known that this was his duty towards the man he had wronged.

There was a pregnant pause and then Morrison finally said, “I’m not the one you should be apologising to, Shimada. You hurt someone else far more. You better fix this,” he growled and Genji felt himself straightening even more.

“Hai!”

Finally, the older man’s posture had looked like he had relaxed. He had left a small sigh and shaken his head. “Don’t be like me, kid. Don’t take time for granted. You’ll regret it,” he added, softer this time.

“Hai! Yessir!”

Genji’s military salute earned a snort from Morrison and the latter just put on his mask without another word and turned to leave. Genji had realised that he had earned his silent forgiveness and bowed to him until he was out of sight.

That had been the easy part.

The hard part was to make amends with Angela.

He apologised for the scene he had made a lot and of course she had forgiven him. When she had tried to apologise for her own words, he almost hadn’t let her. Fuck him and his friendship indeed, if he was to act like that.

And yeah, he could have confessed at that moment. He could have told her why he had been an asshole and that would have been it.

Why hadn’t he done it?

Genji sat on his small bed and thought. His earlier talk with Lena was the key, he knew. That was where the answer lied... but it escaped him. So, he decided to do what he usually did when he had to think with a clear head: he meditated.

He sat on his bed, his legs crossed and his hands resting on his knees, back straight. He focused on his discussion with Lena and what she had told him.

_‘I felt defeated. Turns out, she didn’t!’_

**“Warm…”**

_‘Sh_ _e wasn’t expecting some miracle to save us!'_

**“Hotter...!”**

_‘She took the first step!’_

**“Hot!”**

“She... wasn’t... expecting...” Genji murmured and that was all **he** needed.

**“Well, well, well! Long time no see!”**

And there **he** was.

He had Hanzo’s appearance, but his eyes were empty white, his skin was grey and instead of his dragon tattoo, he had the image of a ferocious Oni, dark brown with sharp teeth. Genji would never tell that to Hanzo, but in his mind, this was how he imagined his self-loathing; his anija hating him and putting him down. He was grinning at Genji in a way that Hanzo never would, showing his teeth, full of malice. Genji called him an Oni, because that was what he was; the demon that made him take the worst decisions of his life.

He also had Genji’s voice instead of Hanzo’s.

“No... it can’t be that!” Genji muttered.

**“No, it can’t be that!”** Oni mocked him, making his pitch higher.

“I didn’t just sit down and waited for Angela to...”

**“No, of course not! Sometimes you were lying down on the hospital bed!”**

“I did things! I am doing things! I went to apologise to her...”

**“Oh wow, big deal! You apologised for the shit you did! This is totally a sign of love! Because you’d never apologise for the shit you’ve done if you didn’t love that person, right?”**

(Genji had to admit: if he weren’t so distressed over this revelation, he’d find the image of his brother speaking like Genji's old high school self pretty hilarious)

“I tried to make her understand...”

**“What, that thing of you sticking next to her on missions? You know very well that that was! You were trying to get under her skin! Get her take the initiative! As usual!”**

“What do you mean, as usual? I went to Iran to find her, to beg her to return to Overwatch!”

**“But you weren’t in love with her back then, right? Genji only acts when it feels emotionally safe to act! When there’s no risk!”**

“Fuck you! I brought her to Zenyatta to help her! I travelled with her! That was a sign of—“

**“Of what? Did you tell her? Or it was another form on manipulation like in those missions? _Hey, Angela! I did a thing! Now presume I have feelings for you and tell me you love me! Even though I spouted the ‘just friends!’ line over and over again to the people who asked if there was anything going on between us!_ Really, man?” **

“No! That’s not how I act!”

**“Yeah, yeah, keep telling yourself that, you little shit. As if you have changed in any way from when you still had a body...”**

“When I had...?”

**“Ha! The piece of loser shit you are, you told yourself to forget how you were before you became a cyborg, but here it is again! Your old habits that never died! Emotional couch potato Genji Shimada, playboy and coward and taught to be the privileged piece of shit that he was! You haven’t changed at all!”**

“No...” Genji’s denial over his supposedly lost bad habits was getting weaker and weaker.

**“Oh, really? Is that your final answer? How about we actually do go back and see how you were? Tell me do you remember any names from back then?”**

“It’s been a long time...” Genji started, but it was too weak.

**“Even _you_ know that this is bullshit, brat. If any of these people actually mattered to you, you’d remember them! But noooope! Genji Shimada, son of the Shimada clan! Born in riches and prestige! The lazyass! You never learnt to work for what you wanted, they brought you everything in front of you on a silver platter and begged you to take them,” ** Oni sneered and Genji’s posture was lost; he felt numb.

**“Oh, do you see where this is going, then?”** Onli asked with a toothy grin.

“I... think,” Genji muttered.

**“Let me help you understand, then!”**

“..why?”

**“Why what?”**

“Why would you help me? You’re my self-loathing.”

**“Yeah, but I’m also part of you. And I might hate you, but I love her. I’ve seen you fucking up relationships when you had your body anyway, like hell I’m gonna let you fuck up this one as well! We gotta fix this! And the first step in fixing a problem is to admit it’s there. Your master’s words, moron!”**

“Oh, now you’re my shrink? Zenyatta said that self-loathing makes your flaws look bigger than they are.”

**“All the easier for you to notice them! Now, go ahead and tell me about your life before you were stupid enough to throw away your body. You’ve avoided remembering it long enough, like the scared weakling you are! Come on, we don’t have all day!”**

“Okay, okay... Well, you know it. I was born in riches and among servants. My father loved me and coddled me. I loved learning how to be ninja, it was thrill to have all this power. I was handsome, I know that. As I was growing up, everyone rushed to do my bidding and not even father could tell me no. I was never concerned about what my family was doing to earn all these riches and power; all I cared for was that they were there and they were offered to me for the taking.”

**“And you took them happily.”**

“Yeah, I did. It felt nice, I admit. To go anywhere and be recognised and respected just by sight. I needn’t do anything; everyone loved me for who I was.”

**“Bull-fucking-shit.”**

Genji lowered his head. “Yeah... they loved me for my family. Because of it, I enjoyed anything I wanted to. Toys, weapons, entertainment... lovers.”

**“Now we’re getting to the good part! Tell me, Genji, how many men and women did you fuck back then? How many stayed?”**

“I... I don’t know,” he whispered and it was true.

**“And?”**

“And... no one stayed,” he said, even lower and it was true as well.

**“And why do you think that was?”**

Genji narrowed his eyes.

**“Alright, let me illuminate you! You, the lazyass rich boy you were, had been spoiled to the moon and back and had turned into a tyrant. You wanted toys? You got them. You wanted the best weapons in Japan? All for you. You needn’t raise your little finger to get anything. And as you grew, you moved on to people! Who would ever tell you no? You were young, handsome, rich and had a fearsome yakuza family in your name! Everyone were at your feet, all you needed to do was point and they’d run to you! Fuck, some even ran to you anyway. You never tried, you never learnt to work to get anyone you had! Like a good relationship couch potato, you called shotgun, leaned back and let them take the wheel trying to stay with you, while you did your own thing. Because no matter what you did, there would always be someone wanting you, trying for you, fighting to get your attention and even interest. Some were stupid enough, thinking that they had to fight to win your love. Your _love_! As if your love ever amounted to anything.”**

Genji swallowed hard. Oni’s voice had changed.

This was Hanzo now talking to him.

**“You would never amount to anything. You never learnt hard work, and it applied to your relationships. And when the people realised that you wouldn’t try for them, it turned sour, because they asked the minimum from you. But, you wouldn’t even try for them and you simply broke up.”**

“Yes...” Genji admitted. “Everyone has flaws but lazy, yes that I was. I leaned back and waited others to bend backwards to please me. And all this to the approving chorus of the people around us. My father, the person I truly respected, judged my partners and friends to see if they were good enough for me. The elders telling me how I should expect respect from others... my circle of enablers. I’m not making excuses, I built my own pillowfort of laziness. They just handed me some extra pillows.”

**“And it’s not even them that did it. Even today, people bend over to accommodate you!”**

Genji hesitated a lot before he answered. Oni was standing in front of him, above him, arms crossed and Genji was sitting on the bed, crouched. He knew he had to go through this, per his master’s teachings, but it was not easy. He took some deep breaths to calm himself.

That should be the hardest part.

“Yes. Angela... she did everything she could for me back then. She saved my life and it was in her job description, yes, but it was never her job to make me an offer to escape becoming a weapon. She offered me parts to help me stand on my own two feet again and no strings attached to Overwatch and I...”

**“You rejected her offer.”**

The words were bitter and burning. But, it was the truth. “Yes...”

**“So, you did what you wanted once again and gave up your body for weapons. And then, you had the audacity to make her feel bad for building you the body you chose to have. The spoilt little brat had gotten what he asked, but when it turned out it wasn’t all that great, put the blame on others!”**

“...yes.”

**“And it wasn’t just Angela. Everyone in Overwatch accepted you just fine, but you rejected each and every one of them. And let's not forget, Zenyatta had to follow you around like a lost dog until you had the grace to accept him! Once again, others offered and you felt free to take whatever you wanted from them without working for it!”**

Genji couldn’t speak anymore.

**“You never earned anything in your life, brother. In the past one or in the current one.”**

He took deep breaths. He couldn’t let it upset him, he couldn’t deny it. He had to go through it. It was the only way to find the root of it all, the only way to see himself clearly and fix what was broken with him. Because he knew very well...

**“It’s not you being a cyborg that’s the problem with your relationship. It never was. It’s you still being that selfish, spoilt brat from Hanamura.”**

It burnt.

**“You haven’t changed at all, Genji. When you accepted your cyborg body, you thought that going back to your old self would be a good thing. But the problem is that your old self was shit. You were and still are lazy and demanding, emotionally and in any other way.”**

Deep breaths...

**“But that’s not all. Something’s missing. You fucked up your relationship with Angela and we need to find something more to fix it. Tell me more.”**

Genji had to take one, two, three, four, five... eleven deep breaths to continue. “Wh-what’s there more to say? You’re right! I fucked up my relationships and I called myself a playboy to cover it. But I’m serious this time. After I found my confidence and balance with Zenyatta, when I received the recall from Winston, I sought Angela out. I offered her a way out of her guilt, because I cared for her to be well. I stood guard for her and I protected her! I did things! I wasn’t as passive as before!”

**“You still act only when it’s emotionally safe,”** Oni said dryly. He wouldn’t let Genji a foot to stand.

“Now what?”

**“You actually thought that if you agreed with me about your before I’d leave you alone for the present? You fool yourself! Genji, there are many reason why I would appear, but it’s your guilt that brought me today here. You tried masking it. You tried placating it by admitting that your old self was shit. But you repeating that you did things for Angela is what pointed me to the right direction. I’ve figured it out. The reason why you sit here, hating yourself once again.”**

Genji was breathless again. “Tell me!”

**“This is going to hurt and I love it! You fell for her, you fell hard. Then, the old relationship mindset kicked in, you heard the call of the old pillowfort and sank right back into it. You expected Angela to take charge and lead once again, like she did when she offered you a second chance in life and you rejected it, like when she came back to Overwatch after all, like when your insecurities whether she’d be attracted to you came forward when you realised you had fallen for her and you started spewing your “just friends!” bullshittery in front of her. You expected her to coddle you, take you into her arms and reassure you that yeah, you were attractive and yeah, she’d want you, cyborg and all! You had a reason in your mind, after all! You were not fully human! Even though the first thing you had told her when you first met her in Iran was “I am whole”. You went back in your assessment and masked your laziness as insecurity so as to have an excuse to expect shit from her, like you expected shit from other people in the past!”**

“I... I used my insecurities to make Angela work for me again...”

**“That’s right! As if she hadn’t offered enough for you already! Did she ever recoil at your sight? Did she ever treat you differently from others because you were a cyborg?”**

“...no.”

**“But poor Genji is insecure in his cybernetic body, even though he himself said he wasn’t. What a load of shit. You used this convenient excuse to slip back into your old habits. The shithead from Hanamura would have lost Angela a million times over by now. And don’t try the Zenyatta card on me. You were the glorified messenger; Zenyatta was the one who did all the emotional work with her. He was the one who guided her, even though you could have done it yourself; you could have been the one to get her to open up about everything in her life. But instead, you used Zenyatta as the way to her brain; he gained Angela’s trust, she opened up to him and you were just on the sides, watching! So spare me this “I helped her with her guilt" shit! You didn’t! Zenyatta did! But you know what? Your entitled expectations are only half of the equation. The other half is what makes you a piece of shit and why you feel guilty.”**

“What is it?!”

**“Your expectations of who she should be made you choose to ignore who she really is!”**

Genji felt stuck. It made perfect sense and no sense in his mind.

**“You don’t get it? Let me ask you: are there any other cyborgs like you in the world?”**

“...no.”

**“If Angela is something new for you because you’re serious and it’s after you turned into a cyborg, it’s the same for her! You see it when she hesitates how to touch you, to make you feel comfortable! She made you this body, but your case has no precedent. But hey, she made you, right? She’s the one with the knowledge! Even though you treated her like shit for it and made her feel unsure of her decisions! Even though you walked away from her when she begged you to stay!”**

Genji dry-heaved.

**“Even though you told her you feel like a whole man again and finally, after all these years she can breathe again. But you wouldn’t have the courage to admit that you still feel scared and lost in this body of yours, much less see that she’s as scared and lost as you! She’s as new to all of this as you and you still expected her to carry your sorry ass!”**

The next one felt like a punch to the stomach.

**“Decide, Genji! Do you want her as your woman or as your doctor?”**

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was getting dark outside and his meeting with Lena had been in the early afternoon hours, but Genji was still in his room.

_‘The path to self-acceptance is painful. You must accept your darkest corners, see your biggest vices and realise that they’re all you.’_

As usual, his master had been right. Genji was in pain that afternoon, evening and the whole night. He dry-heaved, he cried and he felt sick. He spent hours repeating the last words to himself again and again, forcing himself to never slip back to his previous mindset. He had to kill his old self. That brat from Hanamura had a human body, yes, but he was not a man. Angela deserved nothing less than a full man and he understood that it’d be irrelevant if he had a human body; he had to act like one. Amelie Lacroix was already a better choice than him for Angela. And her physical body had nothing to do with it.

_‘Real self is without form.’_

His real self was unworthy. He had to be remade.

At this point, his old self would leave. He’d say the excuse that he had to mature, to find himself and then he’d return. But he had to stop being his old self. No, Genji would stay. He would stay, he would cry, he would feel the shame and the pain deep in his heart and mind and he would _change_. He finally saw clearly; like _hell_ he’d lose this chance.

He died and rose once in the past. Angela deserved him to go through it again.

Not because she was the one who raised him the first time.

But because he loved her.

 

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Keep in mind: Oni is Genji's self-loathing. He amplifies things. If you feel like his accusations were too much, this is why. This is me basically trying to counter all the criticism the pairing has been under lately by using Oni. No idea if I did it, but here it is. 
> 
> 2\. The story with Angela and Zenyatta is my own headcanon, which can be found on my tumblr: darkslover.tumblr.com/tagged/headcanon I have many Gency ones. Come and take a look.
> 
> 3\. I'm thinking of writing a continuation, but in another fic; this angst just needs some resolution. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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